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After the jump, Phoodie.info contributor/Grand Marshall Of The Burrito Club Doug Wallen passes on the knowledge.

I can’t tell the story of Burrito Club without starting with Pizza Club. In 2005, inspired by an episode of Home Movies, I founded Pizza Club. More specifically, Kingsessing Sunday Pizza Club.

Pizza Club began as a way to sample all the pizza places from different neighborhoods that I’d always drive past but never try. It also aimed to level the provincialism of Philly neighborhoods. That is, everyone has a nearby pizza spot they love, but what would South Philly people think of a West Philly favorite (and vice versa)? Because we did it every Sunday, it also became a way to bury the Sunday Night Blues in a pile of hot pizza, cold beer, good television, and solid friendship.

Pizza Club lasted a full year, with 52 pizzas sampled (including chains and frozen pizzas). Looking back, my only regret was that we didn’t record any of our thoughts on each week’s pizza. When people asked me my favorites, it was hard to think past the thick fog of booze and fun to give a reliable answer.

Enter Burrito Club. When I returned from a year in Australia, Pizza Club regular Corey Duncan demanded we start something similar to highlight Philly’s burrito scene. (There is one, believe it or not.) Being from Washington State, Corey sorely missed the burrito choices of his homeland.

Having learned my lesson with Pizza Club (where I fronted the money and picked up the pizza myself), we decided to take Burrito Club on the road, having it at each burrito spot. Due to the increasingly harried schedules of adulthood (we’re both married), we made it less regular than Pizza Club, sometimes doing it at night, alternating between weeknights and weekends.

Here is what we’ve learned:
• Common criteria for judging a burrito includes: Tangibility (isn’t too sloppy and doesn’t fall apart); Moisture (meat’s not too dry and burrito’s not too soggy); Heat (both spice- and temperature-wise); Filler (quality and amount of rice, beans, onions, peppers, etc.); and Distribution (evenness of main meat/veggies, filler, sour cream, guac, etc.).
• You can totally eat tongue. While I’d seen tongue and brain burritos on menus in San Francisco, seeing it in Philly was somewhat surprising. It’s usually ground up enough to not longer resemble an actual cow’s tongue. And at La Lupe it tastes like pot roast.
• A burrito that’s enjoyable coming into your body may not be quite so enjoyable going out.
• Vegetarian Burritos are not the same as Veggie Burritos. All too many places simply leave out the meat (maybe replacing it with more filler like beans and rice) and charge you the same price for a vegetarian burrito, which is just criminal. That makes places with actual vegetables and especially fake meat, like the otherwise mediocre chain Santa Fe Burrito, an oasis for vegetarians and vegans. And for thoughtful non-vegans, Pico De Gallo uses free-range meat and makes their own cheese.
• Burritos don’t photograph well. They just don’t.
• Menus are often confusing, making it a crapshoot what your burrito will look like and how big it’ll be.
• Fish tacos are not burritos. Chicken mole is not a burrito. C’mon people.
• Breakfast burritos don’t count. At least not yet.
• Philly is a much better burrito town that people think. Besides the obvious South Philly choices, there’s Taco Riendo and Jose’s, both north of the city, and some choice hole-in-the-walls in Kensington and even Center City.
• Cantina Los Caballitos totally has goat burritos.
• A burtaco does not exist. But it will.
• The cheesesteak burrito at 12th Street Cantina in Reading Terminal Market has hardly any cheese.
• As with Chinese food, it’s often best to pick the kind of burrito you want first and then figure out where to go. Why? A place with amazing black bean burritos might have dry chicken and chewy chorizo, and a place with the best meat burritos might not quite get what “vegetarian” means (see above).
• Free chips and salsa go a long way, especially when they’re tasty and refilled. Best in the city? Pico De Gallo.
• Simple garnishes like lettuce and tomato is an inexpensive way to full out a plate and offset the density of a burrito. Every burrito plate should include something like this.
• Most burritos aren’t very spicy. In all but a few cases, people have to add salsa or hot sauce every few bites if they want real spiciness.
• The beloved Taqueria La Veracruzana puts slices of American cheese in their burritos. Also, their other food is infinitely better than their burritos.
• El Jarocho totally shows Mexican wrestling on TV. If you’re lucky, you’ll see a guy get stabbed in the forehead with a fork.
• Guacamole is a rare commodity. It’s rarely included with a burrito and is almost always an expensive side dish.
• If a bunch of dudes are eating burritos together, you’ve got yourselves a Chorizo Party.

There are also a few things Corey and I disagree on:
• I think rice and beans are pure filler, there only to fill you and replace more expensive ingredients. Corey argues that rice and beans, if cooked and spiced properly, are a crucial element in any burrito.
• Corey says you have to be able to pick up a burrito. While I agree that this simple act can vastly approve the burrito experience (see La Lupe), there’s plenty of room in my heart for the wet and creamy burritos that are impossible to pick up and require a knife and fork (see El Azteca).
• I don’t think Belgian beer goes with burritos. They’re both too filling. That’s why most Mexican beer is deliciously thin and watery. Corey disagrees. So does Jose Pistola’s.

At any rate, one thing’s for certain: We’ve only scratched the surface.

Care to join us?
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