Anyone who lives within spitting distance of a cheesesteak emporium is well aware of the curious behavior and symptoms that plague the common eater of the cheezy beefwich. One could even trace 90% of criminal activity in South Philadelphia back to the perp’s last meal. The combination of two hormone-packed ingredients (meat & cheese) consumed at an aggressively lit setting, along with a genetic predisposition to mafioso destiny, and WHAM. You’ve got a full-blown case of Cheesesteak-itis, an aggromanic mob disorder that manifests itself in the following ways:
- afflicted are extremely loud and prone to shouting and “yo-ing”: “Man, I yo’ed you like 5 times. Why didn’t you yo me back?”
- impaired driving and parking ability
- pupils become dilated
- temporary accent that fades after 2-3 hours
- public urination on nearby residential property
- street fighting
- vandalism
- fat accumulation and bodily emissions
- racism under the guise of nationalism
Normally, this is the part where we’d suggest remedies, such as herbal teas, aromatherapy and so on. But in this case, there’s not a lot that we can do. Maybe try rolling up one sweatpant leg much higher than the other? There ya go. Cool as a cucumber.
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