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For as long as I can remember, America’s past time is not baseball. Baseball might say it is, ESPN might say it is, but it ain’t. Drinking is America’s past time. And for as well as baseball goes with alcohol, politics are an even better match.

More people argue Hillzobamanomics (I just coined that term, Google search came up empty, mofo’s) over late-night beverages than they do the merits of Chase Utley’s all-around spectacular talents, or Pat Burrell’s strikeouts and much-speculated-upon herp-a-derp. Maybe they shouldn’t, but they do. Most of us have already thrown out the sandbags and the barbed wire, flying the flag of our chosen representative. Hillary has set goals for her Presidency and Obama is trying to change the system. McCain looked more like the representative from the pre-determined ‘losing team’ 6 months ago than he does today. Infighting on the donkey side has now given everyone a shot to win this. Even after a horrendous and nightmarish Presidency from the Republicans, this is not a Nutter/Taubenberger tilt any longer.

So all of that crap aside, here’s the real discussion. What wine is my candidate? I have a propensity to personify wines in my reviews anyway, so let’s make this post socially relevant.

Hillary Rodham Clinton

Ok, by now, we know that Hillary has the right pedigree for a leadership role. With an almost robotic determination and focus to become the leader of the free world, Ms. Clinton gets an ‘A’ for effort. Doing so as a woman, it takes more than effort. It takes balls. Hillary has balls. Recently, she pulled out the “Strong women also cry” card with that infamous tear. So, where does she stand? Balls with tears? Running for her life, ducking from sniper fire, all while drinking beers and doing shots. And crying. But she sets goals within the system, and knows how to fight Republicans. She seems all over the place, yet absurdly determined. Maybe batshit.

Hillz is Siduri Pinot Noir, Santa Lucia Highlands Garys’ Vineyard.

Here’s the deal with Garys’ Vineyard. Legend has it that one of the Gary’s (Garys’ Vineyard is run by two guys named Gary, go figure) went to a very famous Burgundian parcel and stole a piece of rootstock from the grounds. He proceeded to put it in a knapsack, then into his pants and got on a plane bound home to California. Once there, he planted the stock in quality soil in the Santa Lucia Highlands of the Central Coast. Their fruit is now the stuff of legend. They grow wonderful Pinot Noir that definitely has great sense of the terroir and respect for the grape.

That plan took balls and determination. A flight from Paris to L.A. is probably around 12-14 hours and I can’t imagine sitting on a plane with a sharp grape root near my Johnson. As I have expounded upon in an earlier column, I feel as though the Pinot Noir grape fits Hillary just fine. It flourishes in difficult weather, but is in constant need of attention. Supremely complex, and delicate at the same time. Definitely New World, because of the barriers she’s breaking and the trails she is blazing.

That being said, though, is she growing in the wrong climate? Can such a grape that is used to certain soil and weather conditions create the same sense of supremacy here that it does there? I’m not so sure. Pinot also has the tendency to be inconsistent across the vintage. A good bottle here doesn’t necessarily mean a good year for the region as a whole.

In the end, a great bottle of grapes, but it might have done better in another climate. We just don’t know yet. Needs time to cellar as it’s still tightly wound. This is a wine for wine drinkers, not alcoholics.

Barack Obama

The ultimate idealist with the right attitude for the current state of America. People are tired of the crap that’s going on now, and are looking for a new direction, not just a replacement President. The same as Clinton, he is breaking barriers as the first African-American to run for Commander In Chief. He has gone against the conventions of the ‘political machine’ to try to separate himself from his contemporaries. But has his idealism gone too far and turned off old-schoolers? Does he have the ability to turn his concepts into reality? Does his style play well with the Democrats as a whole? The coasts get Obama, but middle America might not.

Obama is a bottle of Château Le Pin, any vintage.

Le Pin has created polar opposing viewpoints in the world of wine criticism. Always in short production to continue the demand and high prices, it is also a critical success with many industry professionals. Sometimes, Le Pin is the most expensive wine on the market at release (the ‘05 was around $2,800 per bottle), even when other winemakers in Bordeaux are struggling.

So what’s not to like about Le Pin? It’s made in the garagistes style. The oenologists already had a flagship wine made in classic style at the neighboring plot called Vieux-Certan, so this was a sort of “experiment.” Its lack of classification allowed them to make an internationally flavored wine without fear of French Wine Law bringing the hammer. That means fruitier, more alcoholic wine. While the wine is made with some of the world’s greatest fruit, sometimes the terroir is hidden and the earth is given no role. As a whole, the experiment worked, and you have some of the most sought-after wines in the world. It fights conventions every day, and seems to be winning the war against its critics. Yes, it can.

But will it cellar? Will the classicists ever accept it as a legitimate Bordeaux? Will it ever find its place among the great first growths, or will it be mired as a high quality cult favorite along with Screaming Eagle and Valendraud? Only time will tell. This wine is for people that want something different made from some of the best fruit in the world.

John McCain

Originally seen as the lamb being led to slaughter because of the regime that preceded him, John McCain is the liberal’s Republican, as much as one can be. He is definitely GOP4LIFE, but does see that the Bush administration screwed up royally in handling of immigration, and called for Donald Rumsfeld’s ouster. He believes our wishy-washy plan for the war in Iraq has caused more casualties than it ever should have. Maybe he knows Rambo. He was also a Navy Pilot and Beer Distributor. So he’s got that going for him, which is nice. Definitely batshit.

John McCain is Domaine Du Vieux Telegraphe – Telegramme 2002.

A funny thing happened to the harvest of the Telegraphe vineyards in 2002. The horrendous weather destroyed all of the grapes used in their eponymous Chateauneuf Du Pape, save for one. The old vine Grenache dealt with the cool gray clouds and rain. Powdery mildew and rot didn’t get the better of the versatile fruit. After the storms came, this was all that was left.

McCain’s campaign has been a case of “this is all that’s left” for a down year in Republican political endeavors. He is the declassified fruit of the vineyard. He stuck around willing to represent the elephants in a severely lopsided battle. But a lot of hard work by the vintners has created a wine that stands on its own two feet. Usually around $80-$110 per bottle in good years, you can find Telegramme for $20. If you can find it, that is.

It’s not going to win any awards and is little more than a freak show, but the wine in the bottle is actually good stuff. It’s a great value and a good drinking wine, but it’s not going to cellar or have any real long term value like its big brother. But in a year when all has gone to crap, things could have been much worse. I still don’t want this bottle running the country, though.

No, these wines aren’t in the PLCB system anywhere and maybe that’s for the best. I plan on cracking open a High Life and making up a drinking game for the remaining days until the PA primary. Every time Hillary cries, I do a shot. Every time Obama holds up his amulet of hope, I do a shot. Every time Colbert opens his mouth, I change the channel to the NHL playoffs. I’ll save my wine for my own campaign victory celebration as Philly’s premier wine jackass.

Collin Flatt is a former Beer Pong champ turned oenophile. Collin Flatt spends his tax refunds on wine. Collin Flatt has his Bachelor’s Degree in drinking and is getting his Master’s Degree in winemaking. Collin Flatt is working on an Arctice Splash Cuvee. Collin Flatt writes about wine for Phoodie.info.

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