I. BANISH ALL FALSE GASES. I don’t even wanna hear about your bougie “convenience”: Lose that gas or propane monstrosity immediately before your children grow a third neck and invest in a Weber charcoal grill, the larger the better, and a charcoal chimney, pictured at right and which should run you a whopping 13 bucks. These things are amazing. 15 minutes and you’ve got perfect coals, hot as hell and ready to char whatever the Lord gave you to char. No tanks. No weird smell to burn off. No lighter fluid. Just a big metal cask of piping hot coals, brought to fruition under Ben Franklin-era scientific principles. The Gods, and ye, shall be pleased.
II. TO THINE OWN SAUCE BE TRUE. Now, we would not presume to dictate which BBQ sauce is the right one for you, for there are as many or more sauces than there are colors in God’s Perfect Rainbow. However, the point is this: Dig in and stick with one. Making the perfect BBQ chicken is something that can take a lifetime to perfect. Fortunes have been won and squandered in this pursuit, but glad tidings on those who can dig in their heels, find a sauce that suits them, and then — and only then — begin to perfect one’s own methodology. Personally, the greatest all-purpose BBQ sauce we’ve ever encountered is Johnny Harris Original Recipe — it’s got a fantastic flavor, it’s not hot or sweet enough to scare your guests off, and glazes perfectly. You’d be hard-pressed to find it in a local store, though, so you’d do well to order online.
III. RUB IT. Here, we will in fact get a little didactic: Put Stubb’s Rub wherever you think it should go. Wait, let us be more clear: Steaks, pork chops, chicken, ribs, briskets, even fish. The Stubb’s Rub in particular hails directly from the legendary Austin, TX BBQ joint of the same name; if you’ve gone down there for SXSW and popped in for their slow-cooked BBQ turkey, you know what we’re talking about here. It’s a critical first step in most non-hot dog/burger BBQ outings. Use liberally, and with gusto. Hell, we’ve even been known to drop this into a bloody mary or on some shrimps. Available in many local supermarkets.
IV. HONOR THY WOMEN (AND MEN) WITH A REFRESHING VODKA THYME LEMONADE. We’ll get to the beer scene in a minute, but in the midst of all this carnage and burning flesh, let us pause to ponder the more genteel aspects of the BBQ: The sweet silence in the breeze at quarter of or quarter after, the inevitable food coma, the ancient love ritual of presenting your intended with with a plate of sustenance. The Vodka Thyme Lemonade, as told to us by the unlikely Viking princess Martha Stewart, only entered our lives a couple of years ago, but its gentility would seem to reverberate through time itself:
2 cups sugar
12 sprigs fresh thyme, plus more for garnish
4 cups freshly squeezed lemon juice
2 cups vodka
It is simple. It is elegant. It will, in time, put you on your ass.
V. RESPECT THE BUBBA. Before you cry “Heresy!,” know this: Yes, of course, making your own burgers by hand is a beautiful tradition aging back to the cavemen. It is right to mix egg, meat, onion, Worcestershire and what have you; it is His Way. (Sorry, we’re getting really carried away with this God stuff.) But sooner or later, you’re going to want to enjoy the company of your guests, or perhaps you’re tailgating or camping, and the available tools may not be handy. And lo, you will, you shall be tempted by the convenience and quickness of that most sketchy of all burgers: The frozen ones. For decades, we scoffed at such an idea. Then, Bubba Burger came along. We don’t know how they did it, but they did. This is the most (and by our count, only) delicous frozen burger ever created. If you must use one, use this one. But there’s one caveat: Do not allow yourself or your physician to ever know the nutritional information on the side of the box.
VI. IT IS RIGHT AND PROPER TO GRILL THE CORN.
VII. WOE BETIDE THE ONE WHO NEGLECTS THE FRUITS OF THE EARTH AND SEA. Often, seafood gets short shrift at the average BBQ. As does the humble, grillable vegetable. But mostly, people are simply petrified of grilling fish, and with good reason. It’s at this point we’d like to put two bugs in your ear: The Grill Basket, and Ippolito’s. Taken together, they could rock your world. The basket, of course, holds otherwise sticky things like fish and veggies in a protective shark cage where they can be grilled and then later released onto a plate and into one’s body. We give a shout-out to Ipp’s here as well, just as a reminder: Unless you have a high-end supermarket like Wegman’s or Whole Foods in your ‘hood, it’s a pretty safe assumption that the seafood at your local supermarket sucks. We used to live down the street from Ippolito’s (one in the Italian Market, another at 13th and Dickinson), and we’re sworn to the place for life now — the seafood is impeccably fresh, and sales staff are really helpful and sweet. (Plus, they’ve got a bevy of great sides that are worth checking out — and often, Maryland blue crabs, which we’ll go into in great detail at a later date.) Wander in with no preconceptions: Just see what looks good.
VIII. WHY DON’T WE DO IT IN THE ROAD? Here in the city, many of us suffer from a severe lack of yard. But people in neighborhoods like Kensington and Fishtown will not be deterred from this circumstance, viewing the BBQ as every human being’s right. They are not wrong. Take it where you can get it. If you have no yard, do it on your stoop. It may not be legal, but out here in the neighborhoods, the cops don’t care, they’ve got bigger problems and can often be bought off with a hot dog, which you’ll be happy to share anyway, right? It is, after all, a BBQ. Just watch yourself with those open containers, sheriff.
IX. FEAR NOT THE MACROBREW. Listen: The 1990s were a long, long time ago. Nobody cares about your hoppy microbrew in the scorching noonday sun. In fact, you need to dead that shit altogether, and drink beer the way your father drank beer at the BBQ. We’re talking about Miller High Life. We’re talking about Corona. We’re talking about Michelob, Rolling Rock, and God help us, even Coors Light. Don’t be a snob. If a man offers you a Coors at an outdoor location where raw flesh is being charred, who are you to refuse it?
X. AND FOR THE LOVE OF PETE, DO NOT FORGET THE POTATO SALAD.
And on behalf of everyone here at Phoodie.info, HAPPY GRILLING!
Great list. I must comment on a few commandments:
II. “Thine own sauce”–well, some of us take that seriously. Some of us make our own sauce, tweaking it only slightly every summer. If you come to my barbecue, you’ll know it, as my sauce is on those ribs over there. The lifetime of accomplishment comes with pairing your particular grill-work with your evolving sauce recipe.
IV. Also good: pink lemonade, and your favorite bourbon. Proportion to your own taste and goals.
IX. Of course you shouldn’t fear the macrobrew–our cellar boasts of its micro selection, but come BBQ time, we want lighter fare. That said, it’s still worth staying semi-local: Yuengling and (formerly) Rolling Rock, and plenty of the local breweries make lagers for us. That said, if your party is serving mostly sausage, you should be personally ashamed if you’re not offering some German styled brews.
X. Potato salad is served at the Lord’s table. But you know what’s in the bowl next to it? The pasta salad, with the shells and shredded carrot and pepperoni chunks.
This was great! But I have to disagree on IX. I mean, sure, if Miller Light is all you’ve got, then, by all means, go for it. But there are so many great, outdoor, summer beers, that are not the horrible industrial piss from Busch. It doesn’t have to be heavy and hoppy, you know?
Sam Adams Summer Ale is the perfect beer to enjoy the global warming, and Yards Philadelphia Pale Ale, or Saison will make you forget all about the climate crisis. Or maybe someday, if there is a god, Victory will begin bottling their amazing Throwback Lager.
We pray to the lord.
I’d consider “BBQ” and “grilling” to be two distinctly separate things. Ribs is ‘cue; dogs and bubba burgers is grillin’.
That said, good list. And I agree with the first two comments on making your own sauce and enjoying summer brews. Two very fun things!
Love the site! Keep up the good work.
If you have nine hours to spare, a 10lb pork shoulder will run you about 13.00 and can serve 10 comfortably. Make sure you get it with the skin completely intact, the cracklin’s are better than bacon and there’s plenty to be had!