If Jim Gaffigan has taught us anything, it’s that Hot Pockets are endlessly dissectible. But what of the brand’s most daring venture? We speak of course of the Philly Steak & Cheese Hot Pocket. First, let’s start with some of the strange cave markings that adorn this box: Phrases like “Now Stuffed With More Steak!“; “Cooks in 2 min.“; “Cook Thoroughly“; “2 Sandwiches” [ed. These are by no humanly stretch of the imagination sandwiches]; “Beef Steak & Cheese With Sauce In A Crust” [ed. Now that’s more accurate]; and best of all, “8 Essential Vitamins & Minerals” and “Hot Pockets brand is a good source of calcium.” Now that we’ve navigated the maze of contradictory sloganeering, what’s the thing taste like? Well, as you know, most Hot Pockets resemble an old shoe that’s been left sopping up pungent fat and artificial cheese for days. This variety is no different, and yet there’s something crack-like about the Philly Steak & Cheese Hot Pocket. And it’s not just that it cooks in two minutes, can be eaten in 30 seconds, provides 22% of your daily saturated fat (and 33% of your sodium) per pocket, and is a magnet for irony. No, there’s actually something subversively tasty about this quasi-astronaut food. We actually like these things, even if we’re not quite sure where or what the “sauce” is, and, well, that scares us. Not enough to retreat to the safer waters of Lean Pockets, mind you. One final thought: Yes, the cheese here may be fake and potentially toxic, but certainly no more so than your beloved Cheese Whiz, Philadelphia. And riddle us this: Have you ever looked a cheesesteak square in the eye? Suddenly Hot Pockets don’t seem so bad.
VERDICT: Yay, just barely and quite bafflingly.
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