Gather round young ones, it’s story-time. I come from a land called Lancaster County, and although there are many novelty foods (please refer to Whoopie Pies and Ham Loaf) Turkey Hill Ice Tea holds a special place in every Lancaster County heart, and kidneys. You may thinking smoking crack or cigarettes are bad for you, but if you’re looking a for a harmful addiction you should try The Tea. Legal, easy to buy and readily available.

The caffeine and sugar levels are so high that even going a day or two without the Tea can cause withdrawal symptoms such as severe headaches, nausea and dizziness. As a child, I wasn’t allowed to go near the stuff because of all the true-life tales about The Tea. For example, my step-brother was drinking close to gallon a day before he decided to quit. Not only is the The Tea bad for you, but tastes so sugary and sweet that you crave it. His tea addiction mirrored a cigarette addiction and he knew that if he didn’t stop drinking The Tea he was going to get kidney stones, which happened a lot. There were always a handful of guys you knew who had gotten kidney stones from drinking so much Turkey Hill Iced Tea. And if the internal effects were not bad enough, The Tea certainly didn’t do much for your appearance. Weight gain was a given, as well as cavities and brown teeth to go along with it. My step-mom would always pick up a gallon on her way home from work, and drank glass after glass of the stuff, which lead to her having a few fillings and going through professional teeth whitening. It wasn’t until she moved out of the state, where they no longer sold Turkey Hill, did she kick the habit. First time drinkers usually get jittery and jazzed, similar to taking a couple shots of espresso. So, moral of the story: Beware The Tea.