CURRENTLY SERVING:

Our man Collin Flatt got his start on this here site doing “It’s Vintastic,” a psychotic trip through vinified existence. After the jump, he dusts off the olfactory bulb and puts on his asshole jacket to warn you all what can happen if you partake in today’s festivities.

I really wanted to bring back “It’s Vintastic” on a positive note with a kickass bottle, but I needed to comment on today’s liquidhypemachine. I mean, there’s some good juice that’s better than plonk in the system right now, but with the glut of stunning beer finding its way around our fair city, I’ve lost a little focus. But when my editor asks, “So how are we gonna deal with this Beaujolais Nouveau thing?,” I knew it was time to come out with guns blazing.

Really, it sucks. I’m sorry, there’s no better way to start this whole thing than to say how bad it is. And not just the wine. It’s about the concept, the ploy. The reason so many folks buy lower quality wines like Yellowtail is not because we like shitty vino; it’s that we aren’t educated on how to buy the good stuff. It’s no wonder, either. You walk into a wine shop in Philadelphia that’s run by the state with uneducated employees and 30,000 intimidating bottles, and one really neat-o display up front: Beaujolais Nouveau. Shit, man, look at the website. I couldn’t tell if that was for Miller Lite, Viagra, or The Beatles’ Rock Band.

I can deal with shameless marketing and silly advertising, but to turn the day it’s released into some sort of holiday is absurd. It’s the equivalent of having a celebratory holiday in Japan the day they get irregular Wrangler Blue Jeans fresh from the boat. And not even the good dark shades. This wine is acid wash, Holmes.

But that’s where we’re kind of in the middle. The Frenchies are still dicks about their best stuff and make it as challenging as possible for the general populace to know what’s what. They won’t help out the international market and put the varietal on the label. The AOC decrees what grapes grow in what region, and Frogger thinks we should all memorize these areas and levels of quality. Georges Duboeuf appeals to the inernational market with a trippy ad campaign relating to Woodstock, and has brightly colored labels. People go batshit for their Nouveau.

It smells like bananas. Yup, bananas. It’s pinkish-purple, almost unnaturally. It’s vinified in 29 days and bottled 6 weeks after harvest. It’s made using whole berry maceration, where the juice is cooking inside of the grape before it’s extracted to speed up the fermentation process. The marketers say it’s the first chance to taste the vintage for that year, but that really couldn’t be further from the truth. Most reds shouldn’t be drunken within the first 2 years after harvest, let alone 6 weeks. No character.

As American phoodies, we’re intense folks about our beer, our food, and our liquor. We spend countless amounts of time researching luxury ingredients and rockstar chefs. We chase down rare beers, and travel across the eastern seaboard to visit breweries that don’t distribute locally. We won’t drink that martini without Hendricks Gin or a Whiskey that’s younger than 18 years old. But we mail it in when it comes to wine. If you’re gonna do Beaujolais, drink the Cru level. It’s not the same stuff as Nouveau. Head to the French section of your Wine and Spirits store and pick out one that says Fleurie or Morgon, two beautiful regions of well-made Gamay. Go with Moulin-A-Vent if you’re feeling saucy. Price? Maybe a buck or two more than the shitty stuff.

There’s a place for guilty pleasure wine as there is for Fritos, Gummi Bears, and Chef Boyardee. But let’s celebrate today’s wine erection with something deece. Spend $12 on a bottle of Cru Beaujolais and see the difference. Put a buck or two back in the pockets of a good winemaker, and get buzzed at lunch.