A couple of months back whilst waiting on the northbound Broad Street subway, we noticed an ‘edgy’ ad for Miracle Whip.

‘We Are Miracle Whip And We Will Not Tone It Down’

Tone what down? The tangy zip? The weird-ass consistency? The fact that you have the words ‘Salad Dressing’ on your label, even though we haven’t seen anyone not stoned as shit put you on a bowl of lettuce?

But we digress. We thought the ad went completely unnoticed until tweet discussions started about the silliness. Fellow foodies Drew Lazor of  Meal Ticket and Jennie Hatton (follow our friends on Twitter @mealticket, @drewlazor, @profiletip) swapped twitquestions and guffaws. Even Stephen Colbert got in on the act, parodying the commercials that we have yet to see. No publicity is bad publicity, especially in a condiment clash.

But today, the re-release of Hellman’s ‘Say No To Fake Food’  TV spot, was a shot across the bow. We are smack dab in the middle of a Sandwich Spread War. Usually, we believe in the Rebellion against The Empire, but really, we can’t see any reason to side with Miracle Whip here, and they will be crushed/assimilated.

But just as the mighty Wolverines staged their attack against the Russkies in Red Dawn, lives will be lost. Most notably Jennifer Grey. And we will have to choose where our dedication lies. And fight. Fight to the death. Remember where you were, as your grandkids will surely ask.

WE ARE MAYONNAISE. DO. NOT. FUCK. WITH. US.