We know, we know: It’s a little petty, but we’re still a little bit miffed about yesterday’s Stephen Starr’s press release claim that, essentially, Philly has never seen a real-deal mixology/high-end cocktail joint when hello, throw a rock around here and you’ll hit one. We went to the Phoodie.info staff counselor in a tizzy (“Again?,” she said) and she told us to work through it, that anger is an energy, and that we should “VISUALIZE SUCCESS.” So we put on a Swami cap and predicted these future claims that might be made about future Stephen Starr joints that may or may not ever exist at all (and indeed, most likely will not):
Regarding Patrick & Genovese, his cheesesteak joint set to open in Brewerytown in 2013:
“You know, there’s nowhere here where you can really experience the phenomenon that is thinly sliced beefsteak on a fresh roll.”
Regarding The Most Philadelphia Pretzel Establishment (TMPPE), set to open in the Italian Market circa summer 2012:
“Philly has never done twisted tubes of dough and salt right.”
On the subject of his forthcoming gastropub concept simply called Gastropub, with simultaneous openings in Fall 2014 in South Philly, Boca Raton FL and Monaco:
“We’ve discovered this thing called ‘beer,’ and we think it could really catch on.”
That was fun. We want more. Make your own completely-not-real Stephen Starr press release claims in the comments and… VISUALIZE SUCCESS!
Philly has never seen a martini bar pandering to the lowest common (NJ) denominator, so opening in 2011 in the old Snow White Space: Continental Across the Street.
Referring to Banh Saigon, his new Vietnamese sandwich joint (an ultra-luxe interpretation of the Hanoi Hilton replete with bamboo cage booths in the VIP only mezzanine)set to open at 11th and Washington Ave in early 2015:
“Philly has never had a Vietnamese person within its borders. I’ve imported the entire village of Phumi Sre Phong to teach my staff how to make an authentically inspired version of something I call a ‘Vietnamese Hoagie’.”
Stephen Starr will take over Morning Glory Diner and convert it into a swank cocktail lounge named The Universal. The signature drink will be made with Tang, it’ll be called the John Glenn.
Stephen Starr has discovered a second type of white meat and plans to roast it and add long hot peppers and cheese in the form of a sandwich. Currently, he plans to open a 200 seat location in South Philly (a part of town that has never had good Italian food) to eat the “Roast Pork Sandwich” at his new location, along with a unique microbrew lager from Yuengling that he recently discovered in Florida that he will only refer to as “lager.” The combo, he believes, will really add a blue-collar food opportunity at the low price of $10 per sandwich and $6.00 per bottle of “lager.”
Phoodie commenters, we love you. So much.
Regarding Flavor of Ice, set to open throughout center city summer 2012:
“Philly is about to learn what Water ice is!.”
Stephen Starr cross brands with Little Debbie to create the Buttered Scotch Cakelet, because, “Philadelphia has never truly had a regional snack cake manufacturer they could be proud of”
Touting The Rhodium Boeuf Mercantile, his new highest-end steakhouse set to open in the penthouse of 3 Liberty Place upon its completion in 2016 on the site of the former City Hall:
“Philadelphia has never had a truly high-end steakhouse. When it comes to getting exorbitantly priced beef in an over the top decadent manner there’s practically nowhere to go between New York and South Beach. I’m filling a fucking-gaping-hole-you-could-pilot-a-planetoid-through in our local dining scene.”
I will be thoroughly creeped-out, and not the least bit surprised that if by 2012 one of these actually comes to pass.
Starr claims that after having opened his 313th restaurant in Philadelphia “I’ve finally addressed and redressed every cuisine and aspect of dining in the city. Having done so I’ve decided to focus my efforts on the surrounding suburbs.” Citing a lack of establishments offering both cheap gasoline and quick snacks outside the city, SRO is pleased to announce the opening of the first SaSa in Narberth in early 2020. “We’re giving suburbanites their first opportunity to get gas and coffee, or even gas and a hot dog….at the same time. This will be earth shattering.” SaSa’s will also be the first and only places to buy Starr’s new line of packaged cakes and pies, YummyKakes, as well as his signature line of artificial juice drinks, PolarSpritz. “Your mind’s about to get fucked, big time.” said Starr.
Dateline: 2012, 38th and Chestnut
Steven Starr surveryed the line slowing building behind the not too gleaming airstream trailer with a smile.
“You know, after I came back from my trips to Vietnam, Laos, Cambodia and the moon, I realized there just wasn’t any where in this city where a person could walk along the sidewalk and just, whenever they were hunrgy order up something tasty.”
So Starr got to planning. With help from his team of experts Starr set forth to launch a fleet of low cost, high quality mobile food stands. Within less than 10 months, Starr’s vision came to life in the form of eight airstream trailers, each to be parked a different location around the city.
Focusing on asian and middle eastern food the trucks, according to Starr, signify a revolution in Philly eating.
“No longer will you have to go into a place and order, just walk up, order and keep on going.”