Yesterday, a thousand oysters were stolen out of the back of a parked delivery truck at 18th and Locust Streets. We can only guess what the thieves intentions were. So, we’ve done just that. Here’s what we came up with:

1. Film a really ghetto audition tape for “Deadliest Catch.”
2. Proceed to sell the oysters out the back of another truck the following day.
3. Force-feed the object of your affection into loving you. Probably film that, too.
4. Pioneer the new shell art: Still Alive Edition.
5. Craft a thousand refrigerator magnets that say “Shell Life” on the outside. Sell to hermits.

You can never underestimate the creative judgment of people with… found-object expertise.