Top Chef: Cooking For Celebrity Douchebags

Every week, Shari Brodsky watches the teevee so’s you don’t have to.

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Five contestants left and immunity is still available? Nick, Stephanie and I were wrong. Huh.

Morning in the house and it’s nice to see that no one seems to be feeling animosity towards Nick. Carlos hopes for a Mexican Challenge. Not to sound like Republican immigration reform, but can’t he just go home already? He bugs me.

tc14 carlos hopes for mexican

But, noses to the grindstone boys and girls, see you at the Top Chef kitchen. All of the contestants look battle weary. Maybe even shell shocked. (Egg-shell shocked, it’s a thing, look it up.) Nothing can surprise them now. Apparently the production team felt the same way because they finally got around to their Po’ boy challenge. Not that I’ve been looking forward to it but I have been wondering when it would happen.

New Orleanais act like they’ve invented the hoagie. They put gross fried oysters on them. I call bullshit, not just on the originality of the Po’ boy but also the “celebrity” chef who came to help Padma judge.

tc14 roy choi

He’s credited with starting the food truck trend in California. Roy Choi has been reading too much of his own press. See which douchebag “Swings” by after the jump…

tc14 roy choi quote

You’re a taco artist? Really?

You made tacos out of a truck and hipsters Instagrammed on to the trend.

You’re the reason it’s now considered fun to wait for hours outside a truck and pay god awful prices to eat average food on a flimsy paper plate without even a stoop on which to sit.
Douchebag. High on your own drama. [Ed: Man, Shari really hates food trucks. Who knew?]

The chef’s quickfire challenge is to make a po’ boy that represents themselves.

Americans eat 45 billion sandwiches each year; 193 sandwiches per capita

It’s twice that, in the Philadelphia area. We just eat a lot of friggin’ sandwiches, Hoagies, and cheesesteaks included.

But these are high end chefs, many classically trained. Surely they can make hoagies.

Shirley de-cheffed herself a bit and made a catfish po’ boy that reminded her of home. Growing up her mother loved catfish. Ew.

tc14 qf shirley

Nina made a St. Lucia inspired Caribbean po’ boy.

tc14 qf nina

Nick grew up in New Hampshire, so he made his version of a bountiful fried shrimp hoagie.

tc14 qf nick

Brian’s a Korean chef from California. He kinda knows this Roy Choi character. He goes for a strongly flavoured, Korean inspired version.

tc14 if brain

Carlos is making a Mexican po’ boy using bread instead of tortillas. Shocker! He goes on to say his mother was a well known cook in Mexico so as long as he uses her recipes, (which he’s been doing all season), he’ll be great. So even Carlos’s Mexican food isn’t original or inspired, he’s just using his mother’s recipes. The word for today kiddos is Douchebag.

tc14 qf carlos

Also, please notice that he sliced the bread all the way through rather than the normal way of building a
Po’ boy

This is the right way, not Carlos’ way.

Poboy

And Roy Choi gave the verdict.

tc14 two opinions that are bullshit

So they all fucked up their sandwiches, and people voted on them, even though they were just watching them on TV. WTF? But so am I so I’ll let it slide. This Roy guy thinks he’s a taco artist and tells these chefs, who have proven themselves to be talented and (mostly) well trained in the classical art of cooking, that they don’t know shit about cooking for reals, yo.

So glad he’s not hanging around for the elimination challenge.

He did concede that Shirley had built a good sandwich, so she had immunity. Yay Shirley. Could. Go. All. The. Way.

And just when we’re happy for Shirley and get a cleansing breath of douchebag free air. BAM! Jon Favreau shows up.

tc14 jon not my favreau

Yeah, fuck you if you don’t agree with me. I didn’t even like Swingers let alone every other piece of shit he’s touched. (well, except the Iron Man movies. But I’ve loved Robert Downey Jr. since he played a douchebag in Weird Science (I know, I know).

Jon is here to plug his new movie “Chef. A chef who’s lost his “passion” finds it again cooking in a trailer. He reached out to Roy Choi because it’s a movie about cooking out of a trailer, and that’s what Roy does.

The elimination challenge is going to be held in a small restaurant and the servers are kids who are getting a culinary education instead of you know a good general education through the schools. It’s a trade school, but I guess if you have to have a trade, this beats dental assistant, in that there’s less saliva.

tc14 Elimination challenge

Before they start cooking they go back to the house to blow off a little steam.

tc14 dartboard

What’s funny about this? It’s a joke Roy made. You know, one of those off the cuff, “Now you guys will put my face up on the dart board.” Even Carlos’ pranks are recycled from someone else’s idea.

It was very nice to see that no one was being overtly judgy about Nick not throwing himself on his sword last week. I find myself missing Stephanie and her sardonic wit, but I have a feeling that with all the cooking I watch, I’ll see her again.

Nina, in a confessional admitted that she probably would have done exactly what Nick had done.

Then they all went shopping at Whole Foods where Nick had a Bubba Gump moment.

tc14 bubba gump carrots

They start with their mise en place

While they’re chatting and waiting for the food:

tc14 Jon faverau douchebag quote

And then the food came:

tc14 ec nina

tc14 ec nick

tc14 ec carlos

rc14 ec shirley

tc14 ec brian

According to illapuperu anticuchos are a popular and delicious dish which originated in Peru, consisting of small pieces of grilled skewered meat.

If you are in Peru you can find Anticuchos on street-carts and street food stalls (anticucheras). The meat may be marinated in red wine vinegar and spices (such as cumin, aji, garlic or annatto seeds), and while anticuchos can be made of any type of meat, the most popular are made of beef heart (anticuchos de corazón).

And then Judges Table:

tc14 judges table contestants

They went over their fond memories of the evening, like scraping the bowl to get every bit of Shirley’s crustacean sauce, and discovering the joy of a simple dish done to perfection, like Nina’s homemade fettuccine cooked perfectly. And flavors that work so well together that nothing on the plate was superfluous, which is how Carlos’s dish celebrated the flavors of his homeland.

Unfortunately, Nick’s dish was neither simple nor pleasing. The quinoa was missed, the texture was soft, and the fish was under seasoned. It might have been a good dish, but Tom Colicchio mentioned that Nick has been having little problems in the kitchen for the last four of his dishes. Uh-oh.

Tom also wanted him to “do the right thing” last week and volunteer to go home, so Nick’s number may have just come up. He’d be the loser without a doubt if were it not for Brian. Brian had some issues that the judges were having trouble getting past. Of particular affront to the judges was Brian’s use of boneless skinless breast of chicken. It had no flavor, and Brian’s excuse, “I didn’t know what type of equipment this kitchen might have” had “dog ate my homework” stank all over it.

Tom said, “So buy a whole chicken with the bones and then break it down for what you need.

Nick was very sure he was going home.

So was the audience watching at home.

tc14 who's going home

tc14 judges table, nick was pissed off quote

As Nick walked out discouraged, we watched the judges’ debate. Four people who know a lot about food, and one hulking douchebag who’s worth $60 million dollars and is making a movie. This late in the game the court jester is not appreciated.

I mean, Nick’s dish may not have been perfect but it didn’t deserve a Carrot Top reference. No one does, really.

So Shirley, with immunity, won the night. Which is awesome?

And Nick knew he was going home. So hearing Brian get booted made him look like this.

tc14 nick's face when brian lost

Spoiler Alert, LCK

tc14 LCK Beautiful losers

Brian went on to face Louis in Last chance kitchen, but he lost and Louis with like, eight wins in a row only has to win one more time to get back on the real show.

If this post gave you a case of the tl;drs, but for some reason you’re at the bottom of it. here are you talking points.

  • Shirley won.
  • Nick didn’t go home.
  • Brian is one of the Beautiful losers
  • Can’t wait for next week.

1972bShari Brodsky is not a food critic. She’s not even a picky eater. She is a writer and has a fuckton of fan fiction porn that you can find here. (It’s mostly QAF and SPN and it’s all slash.) She’s also the younger sister of Adam Brodsky and lived with him for the first 21 years of his dorkiness, which means she knows some wicked cool embarrassing stories, and where a few of the bodies are buried.

She hates Facebook and long walks on the beach, but does have a Twitter account that she rarely uses: @sharibrodsky

If you feel the need to contact her directly, email her here or, you know, comment below.

  • Elvis Donofrio

    Roy Choi is a frikin douchebag litte d who would get his arse kicked in
    any alley in front of his taco truck. By the way taco trucks have been
    around long before this yo yo yo wannabe Eminem came around so I agree, to
    give him credit for the taco truck craze seems ridiculous.

    Thank you for your awesome breakdown of yet another “visionary” pathetic social media dependent innovative douchebag who thinks they are “disrupting” the way we…eat.. food… from… the… back… of… a… car..um yeah

    Next time try not to be such a flaming punk. Your supposed to be 44 years old. Act like it, yo!


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