It’s just about that time of year again: Restaurant Week, the sprawling, 124-restaurant promotion put together by Center City District wherein you can sup three-course dinners for $35, is upon us, from January 22 – 27 and January 29 –February 3, 2012. As ever, the lineup is impressive, including (but not limited to):

10 Arts by Eric Ripert, Aki Japanese Fusion Restaurant and Sake Bar, Alma de Cuba, Amada, Amuse at Le Meridien, Audrey Claire, Balcony on Broad, Barbuzzo, Bellini Grill, Bistro 7, Bistro La Baia, Bistro Romano, Bistro St. Tropez, Bleu Martini, Bliss, Blue Bear Tavern, Branzino, Bridget Foy’s, Buddakan, Butcher and Singer, Byblos, C19 Philly Cicheterria Venezia, Cafe Nola, Caribou Café, Chima, Chops, City Tavern, Cooperage, Cuba Libre, D’Angelo, Davio’s, Del Frisco’s, Devil’s Alley, Devon, DiNardo’s, Downey’s, El Vez, Estia, Farmicia, Fat Salmon, Fork, Friday Saturday Sunday, Fuji Mountain, Garces Trading Company, GiGi, Girasole, Il Portico, Jamonera, Knock, La Famiglia, La Fontana della Citta, Lacroix at the Rittenhouse, LaScala’s, Le Bec-Fin, Le Castagne, Liberté @ Sofitel Philadelphia, Lolita, M Restaurant, Marmont, Max Brenner Chocolate by the Bald Man, McCormick & Schmick’s, Melograno, Mercato, Meritage, Morton’s, Novita Bistro, Numa, Opa, Oyster House, Palace at the Ben, Palm Restaurant, Panini’s, Percy Street Barbeque, Phillips, Porcini, Positano Coast, Public House, Pumpkin, Q BBQ, R2L, Revolution House, Ristorante La Buca, Ristorante Panorama, Rum Bar, Ruth’s Chris, Salento, Sampan, Seafood Unlimited, Serafina Philadelphia, Smith & Wollensky, Smokin’ Betty’s, SoleFood, Spasso, Square 1682, Supper, 1225 Raw Sushi & Sake Lounge, Table 31, Tavern 17, Tazia, Tequilas, Terra, The Capital Grille, The Corner, The Dandelion, The Farmers’ Cabinet, The Melting Pot, The Plough and the Stars, The Prime Rib, Time, Tinto, Tír Na Nóg, Tokyo Hibachi & Sushi, Twenty Manning Grill, Union Trust, Valanni, Vango, Varalli, Winthorpe & Valentine, XIX (Nineteen), Xochitl, Zahav, Zama, Zento Contemporary Japanese Cuisine, and ZINC.

As you can see, Restaurant Week is very popular and has the potential to be a pretty beautiful thing. But having been through several years of it, we’ve noticed some fundamental truths about RW that you’re unlikely to read about in the heap of largely servicey press about it. We humbly submit them below.

1. Many servers hate Restaurant Week, and you can hardly blame them: The promotion attracts novice eaters/suburban rubes/shitty tippers like flies on sherbet. Our advice is to not get pissy and BE EXTRA NICE to them, and tip accordingly to what you most likely would have spent were you not locked into the $35 template. (And if you have an issue with this, before you leave some pissy comment, watch this.)

2. Many otherwise worthy restaurants fail miserably at restaurant week. For this reason, it’s best not to put too much stock in any restaurant’s RW menu; often, venues are just playing a numbers game with cost and reward, so always look at the menus on offer before making your reservation. The beauty of RW is the opportunity to sample the very best of a restaurant’s vibe and cuisine, and shame on those places that half-step it. (Actually, we can’t even say that wholeheartedly; as above, we can’t really blame them.)

3. Watch OpenTable like it was an eBay auction you’re trying to win, and get the reservations at the good places, like, right this minute.

4. RW is not suitable for a first, second or third date. Would you buy your engagement ring at a 50% off sale? Get it together, man.

5. Don’t go anywhere for RW where your friends work. They’re already stressed out and annoyed. You want to get the royal treatment AND be a good buddy? Go the week after Restaurant Week.

Listen, we won’t knock it until we try it, but this just seems weird. And it gets even weirder when you know they aren’t actually crabs and are more closely related to scorpions and spiders.

Citing pedestrian complains, the report says restaurants could face daily fines if they do not obey the rules, such as “one requiring at least five feet of clear sidewalk.” We’re not sure how much time walking around these tables adds to any commute (we’re guessing seconds… SECONDS!) but apparently, the report (also posted on Yahoo News) quotes a man who had to bike around some outdoor diners as saying, “The dining doesn’t bother me so much. It bothers me when they are building things and they block the whole thing off… to have to cross the street repeatedly, that’s a pain.” BUT THAT MEANS THIS ASSHOLE WAS BIKING ON THE PAVEMENT! Which is like a thousand times worse than someone quietly eating a panini at a table on the sidewalk. Sigh.

Just around the Philebrity HQ, there are numerous establishments with outdoor seating, but the only time we had to walk into the street today was to get around some sidewalk construction.

But one commenter on the Yahoo story (seriously, who comments on Yahoo News stories, please show us this specimen, right here, right now) had this to say: “This is Philly folks. Its [sic] only a matter of time until some meth-crazed hotshot runs his Humvee up on the sidewalk and takes out about 100 customers.” Yup, that’s exactly everyone’s concern.

As Philly comedian Hillary R recently revealed at Kung Fu Necktie, “You get to be a pizza wolf if you can eat Lazaro’s large cheese pizza in less than 30 minutes, and if you do that, you get ‘sliced in.’” It’s kind of an urban myth, but it is also very, very real. Pizza Wolves represent, yo.

And don’t forget HUG ME THE BEAR.

It’s a little ridiculous, some of the things that people boast are vegan, like Oreos. Seriously? So, no animals, no dairy, but it’s cool to pump your guts full of fat and refined sugar? That’s not to say that all vegans believe in this, but we can count at least a handful that have brought up this fact. We would assume that die-hard vegans consider these refined sugar treats to be against their diet because many companies still use bone char in the refining process. None the less, the lowliest of convenient stores are hopping on the vegan wagon. 7-Eleven has picked out for us 5 items, currently in stock that they can safely label as vegan, including this scrumptious-looking cherry pie. However, 7-Eleven has recently added some more vegan meals to their repertoire, like artichoke spinach noodles, vegetable lo mein and two types of dumplings.

“There was demand in the New York and Philadelphia area, not only from our customers but from our our employees and franchisees, some of whom are vegetarians,” Margaret Chabris, director of corporate communications told the NY Daily News. Right now, eight 7-Elevens in Manhattan are participating in this test run on the $6 items. If it’s a success, stores across the U.S. may join them.

We do. For in these recessionary times, Restaurant Greeters are the new homeless: Ignored, spat-upon (well, maybe, probably if it’s a weekend night in Old City) and generally just more desperate than even you or I. Since we’ve relocated to Old City, we’ve noticed that these greeters/hostesses line the streets here, trying hawk up business for restaurants most of us never wanted to go to in the first place: Joints that serve apple-tinis, goofball fusion cuisine that is most likely prefab food service garbage, and restaurants that just really want to be (and often are) douchebag bars, just biding the time until The Douche Class of Philadelphia is ready to get its Ice on. And these are the women they send out into the street to do their evil, sub-par bidding: They’re fresh-faced, they’re nice, they’re enthusiastic… and they’re doomed. (Imagine having “greeter at Marmont” on your resume. Just imagine it.) It’s a form of human trafficking, and it must stop. Shame on the restaurateurs pushing these young ladies into the street; if you see one, don’t give them your mealtime. Give them your business card, and a real job. Remember: You were looking for a break once, too.

[Photo: Elizabeth Malleus]

A lazy weekend stroll to the venerable Lorenzo & Sons revealed this prized artifact of modern urban warfare: The Lorenzo’s t-shirt line. A very perverse part of us nearly bought both designs until we realized they were done in late-80s “coed naked lacrosse” style, with a small logo on the front corner and the good stuff on the back. We can’t believe we’re saying this to Lorenzo’s, who’ve been sporting one of the largest slices in town for as long as we can remember, but if you’re gonna go, GO BIG.

So wrong it’s right, or so right it’s wrong? Lisel Parillon is all like, “Oooh-wee, what up with that.”

UPenn Grad Student Lisel Parillon (pictured) completed the Drinker’s Triple Crown taco challenge last Thursday, thereby winning free drinks at all three Drinker’s locations for a year, and scaring the living hell out of anyone who might want to date her. To say Lisel does not fit the regularly-held perception of a competitive eater is to put it mildly, but this apparently is doing nothing to stop her from considering a Wing Bowl 2011 run. (Somewhere, the entire WIP listenership just spontaneously ejaculated.) Meanwhile, Drinker’s taco fugue state continues, as all three locations will host a $1 taco party on Sunday September 5th, because in Philadelphia, you are only as good as the last completely disgusting thing you did.